Harry Potter and the Holy Cauldron
by RosieGamgee
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny set off on a divine quest, broght forth to them by God...er...Dumbledore...Monty Python and the Holy Grail/Harry Potter Crossover! R/R!!


Our story opens on a dim hill with fog drifting across. You can hear a dull whooshing, getting louder. Suddenly, two figures appear on the horizon. As they come closer we see two young boys. One is straddling a broom, walking with it between his legs. The other is holding two pieces of wax paper and blowing through them, creating a whooshing noise. The two stop in front of a castle.  
  
Man in the castle HALT! Who's goes there?  
  
Harry It is I. Harry Potter, Son of James Potter, from the court of Hogwarts. Defeater of Voldemort. The-Boy-Who-Lived! Sovereign of the Wizarding World!  
  
Man Pull the other one!  
  
Harry I am! And this is my trusty servant Colin. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Hogwarts. I must speak with your lord and master.  
  
Man What? Ridden on a broom?  
  
Harry Yes.  
  
Man You're using wax paper!  
  
Harry What?  
  
Man You have two pieces of wax paper and your blowing them together!  
  
Harry So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Mercea, through - -  
  
Man Where'd you get the wax paper?  
  
Harry We found it!  
  
Man Found it? In Mercea? But wax paper comes from the big cities like London, and Stockholm - -  
  
Harry The Nimbus may be made in the city, and the Firebolt from the factories, yet these are not strangers to our land.  
  
Man *silence* Are you suggesting wax paper is imported?  
  
Harry Not at all! It could be carried!  
  
Man What by Floo?  
  
Harry It could tossed very hard and confusedly.  
  
Man It's not a question of how one throws it. It's a simple question of thoughtful direction. Floo could not take a box of wax paper without a direction from it!  
  
Harry Well, it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that Harry from the court of Hogwarts is here?  
  
Man In order to maintain a straight course, one Floo trip must be guided by one direct path of thought, right?  
  
Harry Please.  
  
Man Am I right?  
  
Harry I'm not interested!  
  
Man 2 It could be carried by a person!  
  
Man Carried by someone maybe. But not by itself. That's my point.  
  
Man 2 Oh, yeah, I agree with that!  
  
Harry Will you ask your master if he will join my court - -  
  
Man But then again, people usually don't carry wax paper when they Floo.  
  
Harry and Colin ride away, a bit distressed while the two men in the tower continue to argue.  
SCENE 2:  
  
**CLANG**  
  
Filch BRING OUT YOUR DUMB!  
  
**CLANG**  
  
BRING OUT YOUR DUMB! One sickle.  
  
**CLANG**  
  
BRING OUT YOUR DUMB!  
  
Snape Here you go!  
  
Snape is holding a very distressed Neville Longbottom!  
  
Filch One Sickle.  
  
Neville I'm not dumb!  
  
Filch What?  
  
Snape Nothing! Here's your sickle.  
  
Neville I'm not dumb!  
  
Filch 'ere! He's says he's not dumb.  
  
Snape Yes he is.  
  
Neville I'm not!  
  
Filch He isn't?  
  
Snape Well he will be soon. He's been doing very poorly in potions. Almost blew my room up the other day.  
  
Neville I'm getting better!  
  
Snape No you're not! You'll be expelled from school in a term.  
  
Filch I can't take him like that! It's against regulations!  
  
Neville I don't want to go on the cart!  
  
Snape Oh, don't be such a baby!  
  
Filch I can't take him!  
  
Neville I'm doing fine in Herbology!  
  
Snape Do us a favor!  
  
Filch I can't.  
  
Snape Well, can hang around a couple of minutes? The period is almost over. His potion is bound to blow up by then.  
  
Filch No, I've got to go to Binn's. He's lost nine today!  
  
Snape Well, when's your next round?  
  
Filch Thursday.  
  
Neville I think I'll go to the Greenhouses.  
  
Snape You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, isn't there something you can do.  
  
Neville I feel happy! I feel happy!  
  
Filch looks over his shoulder and throws something into Neville's cauldron. It explodes.  
  
Snape Thanks very much!  
  
Filch Not at all. See you Thursday?  
  
Snape Right right.  
  
Harry and Colin come traipsing through the town.  
  
Filch Must be Potter!  
  
Snape How do you know?  
  
Filch Didn't you see the disfiguring scar?  
SCENE 3:  
  
Harry and Colin dash across a field in pursuit of a shabby looking person. Harry can't see that this person is in fact Sirius Black, covered with an oversized coat.  
  
Harry Old Woman!  
  
Sirius Man!  
  
Harry Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?  
  
Sirius I'm thirty-seven.  
  
Harry I - - What?  
  
Sirius I'm thirty-seven, I'm not old.  
  
Harry Well, I couldn't just call you 'Man'  
  
Sirius You could call me Sirius!  
  
Harry I didn't know you were called Sirius! I only know one Sirius and he turns into a dog.  
  
Sirius Well you didn't bother to find out did you? **Turns into a dog and then changes back**  
  
Harry Holy Shit! Erm, I mean, I did saw I was 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from behind you looked - -  
  
Sirius What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior. I AM your Godfather!  
  
Harry Well, I am Harry Potter!  
  
Sirius Oh, Harry freaking Potter, nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the - -  
  
Harry What the hell are you talking about, Sirius!?  
  
Arabella Figg comes running unto the scene.  
  
Bella Sirius, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh. How do you do?  
  
Harry How do you do good lady. I am Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived. Who's castle is that?  
  
Bella The Boy-Who-Whated?  
  
Harry Lived!  
  
Bella Well obviously, you're alive aren't you!  
  
Harry No! No one survived the Avada Kedavra curse but me. That is why I Lived.  
  
Bella Didn't know anyone ever survived that one. I thought we were an autonomous collective. None of this Voldemort rubbish.  
  
Sirius You're fooling yourself. We're living in a sorry, sorry, world here. A self perpetuating autocracy in which the Muggle blooded - -  
  
Bella Oh there you go, bringing blood into it again. Muggles, Halfbloods, Purebreds, nothing's good enough for him.  
  
Sirius That's what this Malfoy character is going on about. The same thing he was going on about in school when Prongs and Moony and I set up that trap in the - -  
  
Harry Please, good people, I am in haste! Who lives in that castle?  
  
Bella No one lives there.  
  
Harry Then who is your Lord?  
  
Bella We don't HAVE a Lord.  
  
Harry What?  
  
Sirius I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We dress up in funny costumes when it's our turn to pretend to be Fudge.  
  
Harry Yes.  
  
Sirius But all decisions are made by vote at a bi-weekly meeting, held only on the full moon so Remus isn't there - -  
  
Harry Yes, I see.  
  
Sirius By a simple majority when it comes to internal affairs liek what color my hair should be - -  
  
Harry Be quiet!  
  
Sirius Or a two thirds majority when it comes to major things like pranking Slyterins - -  
  
Harry Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!  
  
Bella Order eh? Who does he think he is. I changed your diapers back when your parents were alive!  
  
Harry I am your Savior of the masses!  
  
Bella Well I didn't vote for you! Surely anyone who knew your father would know that making his son a Savior of the people and "The-Boy-Who- Lived" was a foolish idea.  
  
Harry You don't vote for "The-Boy-Who-Lived"!  
  
Bella Well, how'd you become that then.  
  
Harry Do I really need to go into it with you? You see, when a man likes a woman a lot - -  
  
Bella Not that part you TART!  
  
Harry Oh, right right! **Cue cheesy music** One night, when I was a baby, Voldemort attacked my home and killed my parents, but when he tried to kill me, it didn't work, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Harry Potter, was to defeat Lord Voldemort **many, many times** and become known as The-Boy-Who-Lived. **Music cuts off** And I put up with a hell of a lot to get there, so back off!  
  
Sirius Listen, strange, dark curses going wrong is no basis for choosing the people's Savior! Supreme Saving Grace comes from a mandate of the masses, not from some farcical backlash!  
  
Harry Be quiet!  
  
Sirius Well, you can't expect to wield supreme trust from the people just because some crackpot loony couldn't manage to do a spell right!  
  
Harry SHUT-UP!  
  
Sirius I mean, if I went around, saying I was the Greatest Wizard of all time, just because some washed-up has-been mixed up his words, they'd put me away.  
  
Harry Shut up, will you. Shut-up!  
  
Sirius Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.  
  
Harry SHUP UP!  
  
Sirius Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!  
  
Harry Bloody Godfather!  
  
Sirius Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm all about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn't you? Some thanks I get. Watch it, or I'll charm your hair blue! I did it to your father MANY TIMES!  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: So, there you go. The first three scenes! Just to let you know, I own none of the Harry Potter Characters or anything from Monty Python. I am working strictly from the script here, just moving things around from the integrity of the story. ENJOY!! 


End file.
